It all began one cold windy night in November 1991. My career as a Coopers & Lybrand auditor was just beginning to take off. I was in Chicago for a week of training. As my attempts to pass that God-awful CPA exam would eventually prove fruitless and futile (due mostly to a lack of interest - I despised auditing), I had become the master of my domain as Gerard Fitzgerald, CPA (Car Parking Attendant or "Can't Pass Again") and I began to focus my creative energies on other things.

This week was special to me. It was a chance to visit some fellow Otters in the friendly confines of the Windy City. One night of good clean fun with Brian "Eggs" Leahy, Wally "How 'Bout a Head Butt" Maloney and John "Please...Call Me Gus" Beisty brought me to my hotel room at 3:30 A.M.

I turned on the television and was immediately captivated by the infomercial genius of Jay "The Juiceman" Kordich. This 70 year old guy was firing whole watermelons (rinds, seeds and all) into this juicer. I was hypnotized. Needless to say, I ordered it then and there.

So I got the Juiceman Juicer and I started hurling carrots, apples, cantaloupes, celery and parsley into this Fountain of Youth machine. You see, according to Jay the Juiceman (who beat cancer at the age of 22 by drinking carrot juice every day), the beauty of juicing is that all the nutrients from fresh fruits and vegetables (vitamins, minerals and enzymes) go directly into your bloodstream when you juice. Your body doesn't have to do any work to extract the nutrients. The result: you look better, feel better and can run around like a demon on the basketball court forever. Now, let me just say this: there will be several skeptics out there who will say "Fitz, come on, what about fiber, man!" To that I reply, give me a call and we'll talk it over. I don't want to waste valuable space here silencing critics.

Look better, feel stronger, run faster, how do you mean? Well, allow me to share some intriguing evidence of juicing power:

1. Within three months of owning the Juiceman Juicer, I lost about 20 pounds without even changing my regular exercise or diet.

2. The first time I mixed garlic juice with carrot and apple, I accidentally used too much. The next day at work, not only did I have the breath of a sawed-tooth bison, but I almost burned a hole clear through my suitpants from a major case of gas.

3. After regular consumption of carrot juice, the palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet turned yellowish-orange like a carrot. The upside is that now I can be in the sun and not burn. Due to the high levels of betacaratine in my system, I can get a savage tan without burning at all.

4. An occasional hangover can be quickly alleviated with a good quantity of celery juice mixed with carrot and apple. The raw sodium helps to rehydrate the body.

5. In September 1993 I ran a marathon with Tommy Z. in less than four hours. Need I say more?

6. Once when I was playing softball I was sliding into second base, and my right hand got drilled squarely with the softball. Because I had juiced massive amounts of grapefruit and pineapple before the game, the swelling in my hand went down after about 10 minutes (grapefruit and pineapple contains citrus and quinic acids, which are natural anti-inflammatories). You really had to be there for this one.
   
   
7. I'll let my performance (resurgent quickness, tenacious, vivacious defense, resounding rebounding (a la Clyde Frazier commentary) and new found agility) speak for itself.